Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
