Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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