gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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