Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
