I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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