She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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