just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It's official drugs can't kill me
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize