you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
