I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
