Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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