His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
