he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
