mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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