Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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