It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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