It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
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