I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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