I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
