also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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