did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
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