I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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