She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
