Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
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