dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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