You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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