nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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