I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize