I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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