I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
