I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
