getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
