Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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