Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
