The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
