A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize