haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
