I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
