A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
