yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
