he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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