she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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