I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
40s are totally the cure
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
