my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
