he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
