Apparently you make a good broom.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize