So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
