Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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