The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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