Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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