I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
