You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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