I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
