so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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