Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize