i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
