We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
